bachelorette, part 5.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

missed the first 8 minutes.  again... parker's fault!

date with sean.
+ her teeth are glowing as they walk through the london park, no?
+ "he didn't know what big ben was?" -steve
+ good photographer?  the whole stretched out arm thing?  em, be more sparing with your compliments.

kalon, jef, and arie chatting back at the hotel.
+ kalon and emily's kids would have some major pearly whites.  too much.
+ jef wants a group date.
+ i didn't hear what kalon said about ricky that got jef hot and bothered.  dammit!

back to sean's date.
+ emily's voice is hoarse.  whatchu' doing behind the scenes, em?!
+ sean on the soap box (steve corrected me.  speaker's corner.).  oh man.  i'm embarrassed.  i mean, he did a good job on the spot, i guess?  but still.  awkward town.
+ this date looks pretty cool.  a date at the london tower?
+ "sean is totally my prisoner of love tonight" with a scratchy voice.  sounding all sorts of raunchy, ems!

back at the hotel.
+ kalon's had lip injections.

back to the date.
+ emily's make up looks good.
+ "hi, i'm emily.  HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?"
+  sean and emily seem promising.  a little yawn fest but promising nevertheless.

(can we just fast forward to the "get the f out" scene?)

group date.
+ meh.  acting.  i'm over these silly bachelor-meets-the-muppets-dollywood-acting-pretend-soap-opera things (that was a whole 'lotta stuff i just said there).
+ doug's cheesy in his big old "i'm a good sport, i can have a girl role, no problem!" thing.
+ whenever i see chris now... it's all this.
+ i made an audible "ehhh" when i saw greasy kalon on the screen.
+ "you can run along."  (?!?!)  i want to kick kalon in the balls sooooooooo badly.  2012, kalon.
+ doug.  an attempt at making a funny with the girl voice.
+ ewww.  kalon.  ewwwww.
+ ryan's got a total complex about arie.  he's too thrilled for arie to see him kiss emily.
+ i wouldn't be into that if i were emily.  the multiple kisses from ryan.  (but she liked it?  weird.)
+ abc zoom in on her and arie holding hands.  that's why they pay you the big bucks, eh cameraman?!
+ i'm starting to think ryan's a little funny at this point.  he's weird and overbearing but sort of funny too?  in like an overconfident, semi-obnoxious, but still sort of funny way?
+ the necklace.  "out of his pocket and with no box!" -steve scoffs
+ i don't even understand what kalon's saying.  'tired, sick mom?'  it doesn't even make sense.
+ it makes doug the dad swear!  he doesn't like that either!  what if austin watches this?!
+ alright.  commercial break.  kalon's getting his ass kicked when we return.  i think he's got a major holier-than-thou complex and i want to beat it out of him with one of his helicopter blades.
+ "hey guys can everyone sit down for a second?"  serious LOL-ing.  doug is calling a meeting.  what is this?  emily is like shut up doug let me handle this.
+ BOOM.  bringing up kalon's line.  GO EMILY.
+ doug the dad trying to have a 'single parents rally' with emily.  she wants to be alone.  awkward and hilarious.  (doug, when will you learn that being single parents does not a relationship make?)
+ kalon calls himself a stand-up guy?  and i am a unicorn?
+ camera zooming in on unfinished beers and a sole rose.  DUH DUH DUHHHHH.

(this just in: dragons live in the buckingham palace.)

date with jef.
+ i'm digging his outfit (better than the socks thing that i somehow missed last week).
+ her 'surprise' for jef is a big can of 'why didn't you tell me about the baggage comment' whoopass.
+ hahahaha.  this english woman is cracking me up.  "nooo no no nooooo.  tea beforrrrre the milk!"
+ jef's commentary is funny.  "jean is really, really, really, really, really thorough."
+ i don't think either of them were digging that.
+ likening ricky to vintage louis vuitton... clever.
+ the london eye needs to dim their lights.  this is a date, not a surgery.
+ i'm kind of liking the vibe of their date.
+ that dessert looks good and they aren't even touching it.  how much wasted food is on this show?  i'd eat it.

cocktail party/rose ceremony.
+ who is this first guy?  i don't even know.  travis!  thank you for the banner across the bottom, abc.
+ arie in the hot seat!  i dunno, arie.  spinning this to be "all about us" as to why you didn't tell her.  i'm not so sure she's buying it.
+ steve keeps asking what ryan's wearing around his neck.  i told him.  SCARF, steve.
+ reciting romeo.  ryan.  i just don't know about you.  i mean, you seem like you mean well.  you're kinda goofy and weird.  but you've got all these weird things about you too.  i'm not coming down on either side.  gimme a few more episodes.
+ sean and emily slow-dancing?  to no music?
+ butterflies in her heart.  yep, em.  did sound cheesy.  i'll let it go.
+  wouldn't it be funny if chris came in and all straight faced was like, "the show's over.  emily's picked her man."  funnier in my head.
+ chris-ice-age-animal didn't get any talking time this week.
+ arie did not like ryan getting the rose.
+ oooh.  arie gets the last one.
+ alejandro's exit was graceful.

bitches get to go to croatia.  this is crap!  ikea blankets!  now the guys are just dying to stick up for emily.  "someone!  talk some crap about her!  or ricky!  so i can go tell her!  gimme my chance!"

alright.  overall i'm still on team arie & jef but i'm not DYING over anyone.  sean's nice but a little boring.  (has anyone been watching since trista and ryan?  cause i have.  and i was DYING over ryan by this point eaaaasy.  so, these guys gotta step up their game if they want to impress ME.  WHICH IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.)

alright.  give it to me.  thoughts?


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. So I work Monday nights and haven't watched the show in well maybe since season two but I thoroughly enjoy reading about it! In fact I think I like reading about it better than if I actually watched it lol. Thanks for posting!

  3. The bigger question here is why One F Jef knows what a Chloe handbag is.

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. I'm literally laughing out loud, alone in my house about Chris-the-ice-age-animal. Wow! Spittin' image.

  6. @page, i knowww... someone on twitter (there's a bachelorette live twitter party, come on over!) suggested he might not be into emily....eesh! i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt--cool california guy might just know such things?!?

    @heather b, YES. i LOL'd when i linked to it too.

  7. hilarious as always. I am totally in camp Sean. Arie seems like he needs to grow up a little. And Jef just sorta weirds me out - he is too philosophical, theoretical, and Ricky would totally kick his arse in soccer.

  8. I love your commentary. I stay riveted every Monday night clutching a glass of wine and what I have left of my dignity after being wicked critical of the fellas. I love me some Arie. I like Jef too, but I don;t think they click as well.
    Ryan's scarves kill me, but not more than the "trophy wife" comment he made.
    So glad this season is heating up!

  9. Camp Sean for me too. Boring makes a good marriage! :) He's the marrying kind. I didn't like Kalon form the get-go when he flew in on the helicopter. Gag. I do like Chris and Arie and Jef...but Rayn HAS to go. There is more to a guy than his looks. He has gotten by on looks so far. He needs to get the boot!

  10. I hate to admit this, but I think this is the first show taht I liked Doug. He was being pretty funny. That Travis guy was also cracking me up with his "acting". Wasn't he the guy who killed the ostrich egg?

    'Sean has big muscles' - I'd take one for that team!! They do seem boring but he is so nice to look at.

    Ryan actually pulled through last night. Still not sure about him either. He's growing on me...kinda like mold on cheese.

    I am also starting to fall for Jef. I agree that what he kept saying about Jean was hilarious. "Why do I need to be told how to eat a 2-bite sandwich?" LOL!

  11. @Page - LOL! I don't even know what a Chloe handbag is!!

  12. If Emily hadn't one all "west Virgina hood rat" (which by the way, made the REAL hood rats boo her off stage- cuz that was tame) this show would have been a big yawn fest. I like Sean in that I trust him - same as Jef...I still like Arie, but I'm wondering if he's a little wee bit of a player. I mean, IFFF he was into her like she thought - Emily is right, he should have been more upset.
    Also what is this "I really need to start making sure I have better judgment, how did I let Kalon get so far?" and so for my first trick...I keep Ryan.

  13. @alice. just like mold on cheese. good call.

    @maggy, i know. i did a head scratch when she made that comment. like, i'm pretty sure any normal person wouldve known he had to go long ago--even before his "i love it when you talk but i wish youd let me finish" comment.

  14. the speakers corner made me hide my head in embarrassment! she said it was "hot" ... i mean it was sweet i guess, but also mortifying. if that were me, i'd be hiding underneath the park bench.

    i do like sean. but also think they are soooo boring together.

    JB could not believe his ears when kalon said "you can run along". WTH, kalon. you're the worst. theeee worst. he is not blessed with understanding social situations.

    i think ryan is still the weirdest motivational coach, chauvinist idiot.. he just seems like someone you go for when you're like 16. not ten years later.

    kalon is a thesaurus ... he's like a kid using a thesaurus for the first time. just aiming for the big words, but they never make sense. AND a stand up guy, my ass.

    still team arie over here!

  15. oh my and i have to tell you JB's comment on Ryan's scarf. "Does that mean he is gay or european?"

  16. How absolutely embarressing would it be to live through this ridiculousness infront of cameramen!? I would die. Or burst out laughing.

    Loved this commentary. Steves input made me laugh outloud.

  17. I don't watch the bachelorette, but you make me want to just so I can decipher this craziness.

  18. I freaking love that episode!! I have some behind the scenes Utah news for you too (remember how Jef is from Utah, & so is Michelle Money, who used to be my hair stylist before she was famous?)
    Okay... so Michelle has a little bro named Doug, and he's good friends with Jef. Emily and Michelle are great real life friends now, so Emily knows Doug (Michelle's bro), and Doug gave her some good words about Jef. I happen to really like Jef anyway, but I'm guessing that's why she's also so intrigued by him- he had good words put in for him! THAT I heard from my sister, who's friends with Doug, who heard from another friend:) So, I'm sure it's totally legit.

    LOVED Jef's outfit. I'm trying to hint to Wyatt that he needs to recreate that look for our next date night. HOT.

    I kind of thought Em was being a princess last night. I loved the whole Kalon scene, and thought that was justified, but then it's like she couldn't let it go. I wanted her to just shut up already when she was STILL giving the guys grief at the rose ceremony.

    Also really like her, but she's GOT TO lay off on the tanner.

    Doug.... ditto everything you said. He's SOOOOO obnoxious!

    I really like Sean, he's my top pick. Arie is a really close second, and then Jef.

    I might kill myself for saying this, but Ryan is growing on me. I'm not usually a sucker for the player type. Argh!

  19. yeah, i'm not sure how i feel about sean....if he doesn't know what big ben is, i might not be able to get on board with him. actually, i'm just 100% team arie, big ben awareness or not.

    what kalon said to jef that upset him was something like: "well get used to group dates, because if you end up with emily, your whole life is gonna be one big group date...with her and her daughter".

    speaker's corner: so. awkward.

    "(can we just fast forward to the "get the f out" scene?)" -- EXACTLY.

    when i read your "2012, kalon" comment, it made me think of "kony 2012" which made me imagine "kalon 2012" which made me laugh so hard. imagine a worldwide hate campaign against THAT guy, will you?

    i love how all the guys seem to be so jealous of arie. they know he's the one with the most chemistry.

    "out of his pocket and with no box!" - haha! oh, steve..

    i didn't get the "tired, sick mom" thing either. #kalon2012

    doug calling the "family meeting"...he was LOVING that role.

    haha, the socks you missed last week! yes, this outfit was an improvement... but yeah, the untouched desserts made me angry. and hungry.

    i loved her eff bomb scence. i thought she was just the right amount of class, edge, articulation, sarcasm, and vulnerability, without coming across as bitchy. but i also didn't think it was THAT bad that no one came to her defense. it was kinda her fight to fight and like arie said, she clearly didn't need any help!

  20. Seriously I look forward to your Bachelorette recaps! Also, I learned last night the reason Emily was wearing combat boots in that prom dress a couple weeks ago. I guess ABC puts other out take videos on their website, and creepy dated his cousin guy took her out into the wodds so she changed shoes. He then professes his belief in vampires to her. Probably a very funny clip!

  21. still totally team arie, but I like sean a lot too.

    I really like jef but he and emily just don't seem to go together at all to me, but i guess opposites atrract!

    and ryan needs to go in my opinion


  22. Oh my, I love your commentary! If only you could witness the commentary coming from my husband and his bff at my home.

    My opinions, I like Sean and Ryan. While Ryan is a bit over the top, cocky, and makes some strange comments, I find him way too funny. And Sean, I'd pick him. He seems manly, and nice.

    Ok, and as for Arie, he makes me want to throw up. Way to feminine, oh my goodness, I can't handle it. I think Ricky could take him in a fight. He is a bit of a tool.

    And Jef. Needs to fix the hair, and get rid of the skate board, then I'd like him better. But he is nice, pretty funny, seems down to earth, and plus, I want Emily to move to SLC.

  23. I love your recaps, and I also love Steve's input. My husband input never fails to crack me up on Bachelorette input, but he has been working on Monday nights recently. Lame!

    -Okay, okay... Jef was redeemable in this episode, BUT I still don't see what you see in him. ONE "F"?? One "F"? His yearbook photo from high school is out on the internets, and his whole life he was a normal Jeff. He dropped one of the f's in college or after to become Jef. That right there throws him out. Plus all the "likes" and I like totally like think about you, Emily, like a lot. Nope.
    -You're right. Sean is kinda boring. : (
    -Arie is still my fave.
    -Ryan? He makes me shudder. His ego. His hair. And he's manipulative.

    Haha, thanks for continuing to do this. I look forward to reading it every Tuesday.

  24. I was DYING last night when she picked ari last. I think its between Jef and Ari EEK! LOVE your recaps. xoxo

  25. i've been watching since Trista and Ryan.... and i have to say that that Ryan pained me with his love books+poems.. just the type of thing that makes me wince... and then this Ryan... hmm long winded letters and shakespeare... not so different actually. but i don't like him. this ryan that is. i am now on team jef despite the blue knee highs of last week. arie is a close second in my books.

  26. This recap was AWESOME :) I'm definitely a little bored with this season, idk I just prefer the Bachelor to the Bachelorette because 25 crazy girls is usually more entertaining to watch than 25 douchey guys...but I'm really liking Sean though, he's a little boring, but he seems so sweet and genuine...I hope he makes it to the final two! :)

  27. Kalon's first comment that got Jeff riled up was that every day would be like a group date if he gets picked to be her husband, because Ricky will always be there. It was kind of funny, but also: majorly douchey.

  28. I take comfort in the fact that there are still people in the world who are entertained by this show!

    I am team Jef with one F! I think he's far too cool for Emily though. I want to date him :)

    Anyone read the latest US Weekly about Emily??? Her in-laws are less than pleased with her...dramassss!

  29. I've been watching since loser Alex. Not necessarily proud of that fact. BUT totally agree with Arie and one F Jef. I heart them. Love your blog!

  30. the london eye needs to dim their lights.
    that dessert looks good and they aren't even touching it.

    I said the same things last night!

  31. @ashley, when ryan was on i was in high school so MAYBE i'd be less inclined for all his mushy romance now? but then... i was in love.

    @alyssa, i heard that about the boots after the fact!

  32. Did anyone else notice when she was in her hotel room with Ricky, all those spray bottles brought in by room service? Spray tan perhaps? Maybe its a good idea when filming in Fiji... but cold, overcast London? NOT NATURAL.

    The end.

  33. Did you see the scenes for the rest of the season where she is insanely tan and they are jumping off boats - one of the guys is for sure Sean. I'm guessing he's final two.

    I just can't get on the Jef bandwagon. I don't see cool at all, tool, yes - cool, not so much.

    Ryan grosses me out, he already said he would like to be the next Bachelor if this doesn't work out - yuck! I hate how he constantly finds little ways to put her down, I can't believe that she willingly kissed him.

    Poor Alejandro, how did he think they had made a connection? Every time "mushroom farmer" would appear, it would make me laugh because I picture him farming "magic" mushrooms.

    This show is so wonderfully weird, because the guys are saying how she's got everything they are looking for in a wife and I think, you mean like making out with your roommates - in some cases more than one in the same evening? Awesome! Love this show!

  34. i feel like it was a no win night for the guys. if they had all come running to tell her would she have called them out for tattling and instigating drama? idk. i think she was pretty hard on them since this is, after all, a game. every move is calculated - what will/won't upset her? should we let her figure it out on her own or inform her?

    at this point the list of guys i like is much shorter than the ones i don't - chris, sean, jef. the rest can go, arie included. i've been a huge arie fan, but i didn't really like him tonight. we'll see if he steps up his game in the next few weeks.

    and who is on the hot seat next week?! who considers her the big prize at the end?! i think doug.

  35. I've heard some dirt about Arie around these parts (since he's from Scottsdale) so it's turned me off but I do love Jef for some odd reason. (But those socks last week killed me!! I'll let it slide once. lol) And I really think her and Sean are adorable together. Sean's my pick!

  36. Bridget you crack me up with these recaps each week!

    I had been wondering who chris reminded me of this whole time... SPOT on with the ice age reference!

    also - i'm with you - why do they never eat??? everything always looks delicious.

    keep these coming!

  37. I'm calling the final 2- Sean and Arie

  38. Bwahahaha! I TOTALLY love the last lines about the guys wanting people to talk bad behind her back. That is EXACTLY what I was thinking too!!!! I totally rush through the show so I can come read your comments after. They just make the show for me. Haha!

    I wish she would just marry Jef and get it over with.

    Although....the Chloe handbag commented combined with the outfits he wears? A little metro, no?

  39. I love the commentary!! I had to wait until I finished watching it last night.
    I am loving Jef...he's by far my favourite!
    Ryan wasn't as obnoxious as usually and made me laugh a little..he has potential.
    I can't get over Arie being a little to wimpy, his comments as to why he didn't tell her sucked!
    Sean is cute and seems really nice...maybe that's what she's looking for but perhaps a little boring.
    Doug is annoying and needs to leave, Chris is just a little something..not sure what it is.

  40. Last night's episode was the first one I have ever seen! What stuck out to me most: the beautiful desserts that didn't get eaten. I'm with you on that one!

  41. have you read the spoilers?



  42. finally got caught up.

    i died at your dessert comment because I SAID THE SAME THING. like so much wasted food. makes me angry. I want to see just one of them chew SOMETHING.

    Sean is hot.

    Arie reminds me so much of Zach Braff no?!

    I like jeff..but he looks SOO young that i cannot get past it/see him as a husband or dad. I mean he looks 20 years old to me.

    Chris freaks me out with his weird face.

    and i dont like ryan. at all. he screams deuche to me.

    and i agree...not IN LOVE with any one of them yet. Thank god em cussed in this episode because she is really painfully boring.

  43. @megan, i see the zach braff resemblance.

    @nikaela marie, i haven't yet! trying not to!

  44. ah, thank goodness for Sarah pointing me over here! love your recaps, but had to resist until i finally got to watch last night.

    up til this week, i was totally team arie, but then i noticed that he barely talks to her and basically just tries to make out with her immediately (maybe that's the editing, but it seems weird). then it totally seemed like he was just staring at her boobs when he was trying to explain why he didn't stick up for her. haha.

    anyways, i like sean for emily. and i'd like jef for myself!

    and ryan, ugh... he needs to go! so obnoxious. i feel like he's the one that will go next week, since we've already heard him refer to emily as a prize and a trophy.

    finally, she made out with EVERY single guy in the preview for next week! she even seemed super into "wolf" from the preview... things are definitely heating up!


talk to me.

(also! if you have a question, check back as i usually answer it here!)


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