I was telling my sister that when I used to work out, I heard every bit of instruction that our barre instructor would shout out at us. "Tuck in your pelvis, connect the heels, get the arch out of your spine, shoulders down." There was so much more room in my head. I was present. That was all before I had Parker and Anders. So, essentially, I was a different person entirely. Now I am in class and I begin the leg raises only to look around and discover that everyone's toes are flexed while mine are pointed. I have less room in my brain to hear the intricacies of the workout. Is that just the mind of a woman with small children?
I have jury duty coming up. I already postponed it last year so I can't postpone it again. When I called and said I had a baby (I don't really have to call him a toddler, do I?) they asked how old and I said one year and they responded, "You'll have to make arrangements." What if there are no arrangements to be made?! What if I don't know anyone capable of watching my child??? I'm still nursing! I'm an attachment parenter! You can't make me stop! There's a lawsuit here. If I don't show up will I go to jail? Settle down, I am going to go, or call the line the day before and really, really hope that I'm not called, that is. But the mere idea that I could have some extended jury duty is giving me more anxiety than it should. Despite the aforementioned lack of space in my brain, I also really don't like to be away from my kids for any length of time. What is that? It'd probably do me some good to get out, and yet I have a really hard time taking the opportunity. If I'm going to get some me-time, I certainly don't want it to be at jury duty. Horrors.
I think it comes from that enormous-mentioned-all-too-often thing that time flies and I want to be around for every bit of it. Even now, here I sit, at a coffee shop (She's out! She's at a coffee shop! Sans children!). There's a baby sitting across the way. I'm looking at that baby and thinking, "I miss my Anders." Lord help us.