you've been in existence for one year now. it was one year ago that i discovered you were growing when i got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. best belated birthday present ever. it was sooo exciting, so surreal... i woke your dad right up and we couldn't go back to sleep, of course. then you grew, and grew, and i finally started taking pictures of myself so i'd always remember what it was like having you inside and what i looked like while you grew. i look back on those pictures and think, "that was parker in there. all along, it was you." i get emotional just thinking about it. you've been with us for three and a half months now and buddy, i love you so much. i cannot imagine my life without you and i feel so blessed when i look at you and think, "you're my son. my son! i get to have you forever!"
we go everywhere together and i just watch you marvel at the world whether it's the sky, the trees, gracie, william's funny faces, me dancing in front of you, daddy making his sound effects, your auntie kate making noises over skype... some days we cuddle in bed for hours, not often enough, and i lay down on my side and you're on your side and we look at each other and i kiss your mouth (about a hundred times a day) and pull the covers up over our head, and back down, and back up... and your eyes get big every time. i love helping you discover the world (buddy... mama's got tears in her eyes right now just writing this). i love seeing things as you see them. i love going everywhere with you... we've been attached at the hip since july 23rd and i like it. today we were at cvs and you were looking up at me in the carrier with this huge smile on your face as if to say, "mom... i love you so much." it melts my heart. you melt my heart. it's so cliche to say but, gosh, sometimes it feels like it's really melting.
i've cried more than i normally do in three months. i cried when you were born, i cried when you had to be under the lights for 24 hours, i cried when you seemed not yourself for a few hours, i cry when i think you're growing up too fast, i cry when i think that your tiny little hands are the same hands that will be holding your baby one day, i cry when i'm writing you this simple letter... mama's can cry pretty easily. you'll see that soon enough. having little babes makes us mamas real vulnerable. i love your little personality. the way you want to be with me all the time and you settle down immediately if i hold you in my arms. i love how happy you are. you smile all the time. in fact tonight daddy put you on the dinner table after we were done eating and you took turns going around the table smiling at everyone so big your whole mouth is wide open while we all just smiled back at you. you have brought so much joy into our lives. we're so lucky to have you. i'm so lucky to have you. i love you forever and ever and ever, sweet baby boy. thanks for being mine. thanks so much.
ps. and i realize i'm totally manipulating emotions by having you listen to the song while you read, but it's my blog and i do what i want to do. plus, i was listening to this song while i wrote it (and it was on my birth list, so it's kind of fitting, no?).