dear parker.

Thursday, November 17, 2011


Gabriel's Oboe by Yo Yo Ma on Grooveshark

dear parker,
you've been in existence for one year now.  it was one year ago that i discovered you were growing when i got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  best belated birthday present ever.  it was sooo exciting, so surreal... i woke your dad right up and we couldn't go back to sleep, of course.  then you grew, and grew, and i finally started taking pictures of myself so i'd always remember what it was like having you inside and what i looked like while you grew.  i look back on those pictures and think, "that was parker in there.  all along, it was you."  i get emotional just thinking about it.  you've been with us for three and a half months now and buddy, i love you so much.  i cannot imagine my life without you and i feel so blessed when i look at you and think, "you're my son.  my son!  i get to have you forever!"  
we go everywhere together and i just watch you marvel at the world whether it's the sky, the trees, gracie, william's funny faces, me dancing in front of you, daddy making his sound effects, your auntie kate making noises over skype... some days we cuddle in bed for hours, not often enough, and i lay down on my side and you're on your side and we look at each other and i kiss your mouth (about a hundred times a day) and pull the covers up over our head, and back down, and back up... and your eyes get big every time.  i love helping you discover the world (buddy... mama's got tears in her eyes right now just writing this).  i love seeing things as you see them.  i love going everywhere with you... we've been attached at the hip since july 23rd and i like it.  today we were at cvs and you were looking up at me in the carrier with this huge smile on your face as if to say, "mom... i love you so much."  it melts my heart.  you melt my heart.  it's so cliche to say but, gosh, sometimes it feels like it's really melting.
i've cried more than i normally do in three months.  i cried when you were born, i cried when you had to be under the lights for 24 hours, i cried when you seemed not yourself for a few hours, i cry when i think you're growing up too fast, i cry when i think that your tiny little hands are the same hands that will be holding your baby one day, i cry when i'm writing you this simple letter... mama's can cry pretty easily.  you'll see that soon enough.  having little babes makes us mamas real vulnerable.  i love your little personality.  the way you want to be with me all the time and you settle down immediately if i hold you in my arms.  i love how happy you are.  you smile all the time.  in fact tonight daddy put you on the dinner table after we were done eating and you took turns going around the table smiling at everyone so big your whole mouth is wide open while we all just smiled back at you.  you have brought so much joy into our lives.  we're so lucky to have you.  i'm so lucky to have you.  i love you forever and ever and ever, sweet baby boy.  thanks for being mine.  thanks so much.
love, mom

ps. and i realize i'm totally manipulating emotions by having you listen to the song while you read, but it's my blog and i do what i want to do.  plus, i was listening to this song while i wrote it (and it was on my birth list, so it's kind of fitting, no?).

43 comments:

  1. I cried and cried. And then I had to go get my baby and snuggle.

    I think this is even sweeter since I've met little Parker, and I've seen him give you that wide open smile. It's amazing to see.

    You are so lucky.

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  2. Sweetest. Note. Ever. I've got 55 more days until my little girl is expected to make her debut and I already wish I could slow it all down. He's a lucky one to have you for a mama!

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  3. Tears are streaming down my face. I am at work, but haven't slept and Behr is all the way on the otherside of the building in day care. Every thread in my body wants to run and pick him up and squeeze him and take a nap all day long.

    Beautifully written my dear!

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  4. and now I'm crying. This is so beautiful Bridget.

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  5. now i kinda have a bad case of baby fever.
    thanks for that :)

    xoxo

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  6. this kills me. seriously, that was the best post. i openly admit that i don't always think babies are the cutest (and in fact, maybe some of them scare me) but parker is just so damn adorable. what a perfect little (big) family you've got :)

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  7. now you made my uterus feel lonely and void.

    thanks. accident number one coming right up.

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  8. I love this. I'm expecting to meet my baby in March. It's true - you have known this baby for a year. I think it's amazing how love just grows right inside you the whole pregnancy. I can't wait to meet my little bugaboo. And I love how you write letters to P. Do you ever plan to print and bind them?

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  9. wow. that was so sweet. and all so true!! people told me how IN LOVE i would be with my baby but i had NO idea. there really is no other way to describe it other than labeling it as an intense, vulnerable love. awesome letter. i need to go write one to mason. :)

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  10. actually no aurprise, but Berlin is crying too. this is simply wonderful!

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  11. I wonder if every mama out there feels this same way. Sometimes the love is so big is hurts. Thanks for sharing this letter with us bridget. So happy you have Parker and so glad he has you for his Mama.

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  12. Cutest mama and baby ever. And I do hope you know, all the posts of you and your growing pregnant belly and the notes to sweet parker, it made my heart so happy. It was the cutest. And I am taking that idea and stealing it. borrowing it? anytime I see people post things on facebook of their pregnant belly I always think they are doing it SO wrong. If only they all read your blog. :)

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  13. You just make me want to have a kid ten times more than I already do. So sweet!

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  14. Gorgeous post! I love this and I love how Parker will have something to look back on one day (He'll probably get all embarrassed and be like Geez, Ma!)

    I'm not a mom, but a big sister - my baby brother Ben was born when I was fifteen and having a new baby in the house (my other brother was thirteen at the time) is such a joy. It is amazing how a family can feel full and complete, but a new baby comes in and you can't imagine your life without them in it.

    I wrote a similar post to my brother on his birthday ... from a big sister's perspective:)

    http://unpublishedworksofme.blogspot.com/2011/05/birthday-boy.html

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  15. Your words are precious & such a treasure for your sweet boy to look back on one day.

    -N

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  16. I love this. I am wondering if my husband and I will be blessed to have a baby. I can hear through your words how much of a gift motherhood truly is. How beautiful it must be. Continue to embrace the moments.

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  17. such sweetness. every single word. i could weep, too.
    we're so cut from the same mama-cloth, lady.
    xx

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  18. This is beautiful! I Criedddddddddd*

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  19. Such a beautiful post! Make sure to print this so one day your baby can read it! My baby started kindergarten this year and I can honestly say they grow up too fast.

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  20. Thanks. Thanks a lot for making a pregnant woman cry before it even hit 8am. Jerk.

    And, you know what? What you felt when you wrote this only intensifies, and your heart gets bigger and fuller with each kid. It's amazing mothers don't walk around with a third middle boob-looking thing on their chest from a heart swolen with joy and love. God knew what He was doing when He allowed a woman to experience this, because there will be PLENTY of days when Parker will grab a hold of the sugar on the counter (or whatever) and spill it all over the floor. Right after you mopped the floors. That love you have for him will keep you from wanting to spank the daylight out of him :-) Motherhood is crazy!

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  21. Gaaahhh... that music... and those pictures... and that letter to Parker. Tears.

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  22. Crying now, just like everyone else. I'm glad I'm in good company.

    You and Parker are so blessed to have each other and these letters are one of the sweetest things I've ever come across.

    And I love Megan's comment. My uterus is freaking out a little too. I need to go see my nephews to tide it over for now.

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  23. gosh, his face is the sweetest thing! and i love everyone's comments... stop doing this to our uteruses! okay but don't, i like it :)

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  24. these pictures....his face...so adorable.

    also, when i read that he had been in existence for a year, i misunderstood & thought you were saying he turned 1. i was freaking out.....thinking, WHERE DID THE TIME GO!? I SWEAR IT WAS JUST YESTERDAY SHE WAS ANNOUNCING HIS ARRIVAL! not to mention he looks nothing like a 1 year old. duh. i should've known.

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  25. ok, this post has made me way too clucky! time to start reciting my personal mantra: wait a few years, wait a few years... but really, you sound like the best mom ever. x

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  26. whenever it is i have kiddos, i don't know if i will stop the tears. this was the sweetest. parker is lucky to have such a sweet mom.

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  27. I need to hug you and hug Parker. Right now.

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  28. This is precious. I'm sure he'll appreciate it one day!

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  29. Being a momma is the best, isn't!?! Parker is soooooo.....too many words to insert! Much love to you both.

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  30. this is sooo precious. it seriously makes me want one of my very own RIGHT now. parker is beautiful and your one blessed mama!

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  31. What a beautiful post bridget. I am breathless at times with the love I have for quinn. I didn't know what I was in for! What a gift, right? By the way, quinn is really saying "park" now when we look at the birth announcement on the fridge. Love it!

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  32. Too sweet! A momma's love it a crazy wonderful thing. These babies are amazing. I just wrote to Hannah for her 5 months b-day today too. I can't imagine life without her. :)

    Turns out our hubs ARE getting together in SF. Lucky them in their warm weather. Whatevs. Hope you have fun plans for yourself, and little man, while he's away!

    Erin

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  33. This is gorgeous, Bridget. Definitely brought tears to my eyes. Babies are such precious gifts. :)

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  34. I love this. This is why I love being home with my kids all day, every day. All those moments of breathing in their beauty and sweetness. Catching all those smiles and tears and questions and moments. Almost always I lie with Jonah until he falls asleep, because lately he's really worried about monsters, and then I just keep lying there, touching his cheeks and hair and the bridge of his nose, telling him how much I love him and apologizing for the moments that day when I wasn't good enough, wasn't patient enough, didn't stop what I was doing to look at the bug he found or the tower he built. It's so wonderful and painful all at the same time.

    And then I think about how it happened all over again with Henry. All of it new again. Because somehow you forget what a first smile or first laugh is like. And you celebrate it just as much as the first time. And then I think, I could just have 11 babies. Just for it all to be new again.

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  35. brig, that was amazing and you are making we want babies, like now! my husband is asleep in the other room but I suppose I could wake him and get this thing started.

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  36. He has a pretty amazing mama :)

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  37. So sweet. You're such a good mama (: He's so adorable

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  38. it's crazy how much we cry and how much thinking about the pregnancy, the birth, yesterday can make me cry. lovely letter.

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  39. I think you just convinced me to have another baby, for real

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talk to me.

(also! if you have a question, check back as i usually answer it here!)

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