bachelorette, part 4.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

alright.  i missed the first 12 minutes (errggg!).  i blame this one on parker!

so, here goes.  she's already into her date with doug.  anddddd i begin.

+ i started a charity.  (what he failed to mention is that he started the charity the day before he came on the bachelorette just waiting to drop that little nugget in emily's sweet little blonde head.)
+ how many times can doug say the word 'dad' in five minutes?
+ scolding the boys?  he's so patronizing.  scolding.  boys.  you're not a dad here, dougie!

group date card comes out.
+ who is nate in the red shirt?  i think they JUST brought him on like two minutes ago.  never seen him before.

back to doug.
+ "as much as i love all of today... i love MY SON THE MOST."
+ "my only imperfection.  i didn't trim my toenails enough.  i didn't wash her car enough.  i cut my son's crust off too perfectly.  i read him too many stories."  PLEASE DOUG.  CHEESEBALL.  GOODBYE.
+ i'm winning this rose is for me and my son!  my son!  i have a son!
+ "if emily wants a kiss from doug..."  talking in third person is a deal-breaker.

group date.
+ ryan's hair is out of control.  what'll it look like after sailing?  you krazy kat, ryan!
+ i hope the boom whacks kalon right out of the boat.  while a shark is swimming by.
+ sean played football.  so he can BRING IT to the boat like he BROUGHT IT to the field.
+ go team yellow (it's got jef and arie... my faves.)
+ uh-oh.  guys are cussing.  team red's in trouble.  don't they know the tortoise and the hare story?  (if doug was their dad, they'd probably know it.  i bet doug reads to his boy allllllll the timeeeeeeee.)
+ uh-oh, now team yellow's in trouble.  never mind.  they win.  phew.  palms were sweaty.
+ is head-wound charlie crying in the back seat?
+ i like emily's sweater.
+ ryan tries to pass chauvinism off as cute flattery.  it ain't cute, ry-guy-krazy-hair.
+ arie's her fave, i think.
+ JEF.  jef is just too cool.  i mean, ems... i like you.  but come on.  it's like the song, "i'm a little bit country.  i'm a little bit rock and roll."  i don't see it working.  you're going to dollywood, he's going to coachella.  you pickin' up what i'm puttin' down?
+ jef: "like, i like like you.  like, i'm like nervous, but i like..."
+ ryan has concerns?  like emily's workout routine isn't vigorous enough?  "i not trying to impress you, i'm trying to make an impression on you."  he got that on, i think.
+ is ryan a tv evangelist now?  this guy!  so many hats!

+ really.  who is nate?  where did he come from?
+ is this "kwin-oh-ah?"  NUH-UH.  THIS IS TOO GOOD.  (it's keen-wah new-to-the-show-nate!)
+ "what do you want me to know about you?"  "i like fiber." -nate
+ crying over his brother and friends?  sweet, yes.  a tad overemotional?  YES.  it was the wine.
+ nate's eyes are boring holes into her skull as she pins the rose on jon.
+ nate's psyched to get back to his bro.

cocktail party.
+ i can correct lil ricky's homework in mah prom dress, check me out!
+ fake ponytail?
+ (it's a prom ROMPER, bridget.)  didn't know till i saw the full-bod shot.  my bad!
+ ryan is charming, athletic, blessed by god, AND sticks his finger in the socket to achieve that rockin' hair style.  ok, i'll move on from the hair.
+ pony-tail guy.  why haven't we seen more from him?
+ ABC, did you hear that?  ryan just signed himself up as next bachelor!  and we'd all be so lucky!
+ doug-the-dad, stop tallllkkkking pleeeease.
+ doug and chris.  hackles are up!  doug is playing mind games!  chris is goin' crazy!  this is ugly!  chris doesn't know what this fight he started is even about.  "i'm not young!  you're too humble!  I DON'T BELIEVE YOU."  and doug: "believe what?"
+ "you don't get my competitive juices flowing, chris!  you're like a fly!  i crush your skull." (roll your r's!)
+ biggest disappointment of this episode: helicopter guy is like a no show.  come on ABC.

chris and emily's chat before the ceremony.
+ YOU TWO SHOULD JUST GET MARRIED (did ya'll hear?  chris got a divorce.).
+ she picks up helicopter's picture first?  he's like a non-entity.

rose ceremony. DUH DUH DUH (that was dramatic music).
+ chris looks like the tall skinny animal in the ice age movies.  i don't even know what animal it is.
+ ryan gets a rose?  blah.  that's how i feel about that.
+ KALON GETS A ROSE?  bright side: maybe he'll talk smack again next week for our entertainment.  but really??
+ i kind of feel bad for long-haired ponytail guy.  he seems nice.

next week.
+ "i think you're going to retract that statement." -ryan
+ and f-bomb!

until then...

so?  thoughts?  give em to me straight!

(and if you do your own bachelorette recap, link to it in the comments!  i wanna see!)


  1. This whole time I have been calling Chris the lizard guy - but you are so right, he looks just like the tall skinny ice age animal!!! Ha!

    Love when Nate tried to pronounce quinoa and sound oh so smart!

    Arie is my pick ;)

  2. umm jef - blue socks + shorts to the rose ceremony.... enough said. arie all the way.

  3. omg. you are so right about chris looking like that ice age animal. they are TWINS.

  4. You blame Parker, I blame Everett. He HAD to be born at 8:00 last year, didn't he? It's like he and Mike don't want me to watch the Bachelorette or something.

  5. I think I like reading your recaps more than actually watching the show!

  6. The Quinoa part had me blushing sooooo bad!! I couldn't even look at Emily to see her reaction. Do we think she knows how to say it?? And Ryan, AHHH, he's such a pig. I'm sure- he doesn't want her kissing Arie because of what it would look like to all the younger girls watching? What about when she kisses him? I'm sure he's okay with that. Emily admitted he was manipulative, but then didn't kick him off? I'm bugged about that. Oh, and the trophy wife comment. Come on Emily!! Send him packing!

  7. first time watching this season and all i came away with is that i still don't like close ups of people kissing. i literally have to look away. what does this mean?

  8. @pinecone + @danielle, so glad you see the resemblance too. it was driving me crazy till i figured it out!

    @nessa, this means.... i was going to try to come up with something but really, i think it's awk watching strangers kiss (especially if it makes noise. bleck. i hate kissing noises).

    @yours truly, DON'T know why he's still here. i give him one or two more weeks.

  9. hahahaha, you have to read my blog, i think we are the same person.

    i think ryans hair reminds me of a newborn know that new hair...boy needs some gel or mouse. and he thinks he is jesus.


  10. I could not put my finger on what Chris looked like until you put that image up. And I think it's a sloth?? It is PERFECT.

    Who do you think she tells to GTFO? I think Ryan or Kalon.

  11. @kristin, SLOTH! that must be it! thank you! i'm gonna go with kalon but... not sure.

    @jessica dukes, read it! thanks!

  12. everything that drips out of ryan's mouth is from I finally got JB to watch the show with me last night and he was in disbelief by that douche bag.

    oh my goshhhh i started dying at the kwin oh ah... "it's a fiber" .. what does that even mean? is fiber a food group now? i also have no idea who nate is and am convinced they just threw him in there.

    these recaps make mondays a thousand times better for me. thank you.

  13. Hahaha I'm dying over your recaps. Long haired guy did seem nice. I felt kind of bad for him too.

    And why are Ryan and Kalon still there?! What kind of insanity is this?

    Can't wait for next week though. Who do you think she is yelling at?

  14. I totally missed last nights episode...yup I was in bed. So sad but true. Thank God for your caught me up!

  15. my #1 spot of the episode is that while the sailing race was going on emily was staying warm in arie's blue hoodie!

    also the quinoa bit hard me laughing! oh nate!

    and i was surprised alejandro stayed but charlie went home

  16. my #1 spot of the episode is that while the sailing race was going on emily was staying warm in arie's blue hoodie!

    also the quinoa bit hard me laughing! oh nate!

    and i was surprised alejandro stayed but charlie went home

  17. i don't watch the bachelorette (or bachelor, for that matter), but i come back every tuesday for your recaps.

    i have no idea what guys you're talking about each time, but your descriptions of them & the show make me laugh every time.

  18. This is hilarious! I said the same thing when they showed pony tail guy, had definitely never seen him before. Poor fella has never been in love. I just want someone to love him.

  19. Jef was wearing tall socks with shorts and a blazer...he dresses like my 11 year old son :-)

    DOUG needs a kick to the gonads. Annoying.

    Ryan is a triple douche bag..."we'd make pretty babies" blah blah blah!

    I felt bad for Charlie. And I'd totally make out with Sean!!

  20. Oh man! Yours is better than mine, but here it is
    Yeah I was totally bummed about not getting to hate on Kalon more. And I didn't jab at Doug the Dad enough, but he seriously needs to have more than just that to talk about. Doesn't seem like it though. . .

  21. Kwin-oh-uh. Amazing. Poor thing. And yes youre right, I did not remember seeing Nate, like ever up until that 2 on 1. Wow, Ryan is such a grade A douche. Don't know what was up with Jef's outfit... he's just paving the way for Arie to the winner's circle. Your recaps are the bomb!! xoxo

  22. The Kwin-oh-a was KILLING me! I was so glad he went home just for that. But, I agree - where did that guy even come from?!

    Also, Ryan is the biggest d-bag I've ever seen. I think she's keeping him around to build his confidence just so she can pick a pivotal moment to crush him. Because she can't actually like him, right?

  23. even though I'm torn between him and Arie, I just feel the need to defend cute Jef (one f)'s outfit. It's Bermuda shorts and tall socks! That's totally acceptable formal-ware for Bermuda. I think you can even wear it to work there. He's totally cool AND culturally in-the-know.

  24. Don't get me started about Ryan! Well, do. I already went off on him:
    And I think Doug & Chris both gots ta go.

  25. I couldn't wait, I had to read it. Now I will laugh harder when I watch tonight...hearing your voice in the back of my head.

    Mark wants Kalon to stay on, just for hopes of him getting punched in the face. (did I tell you that already?!)

  26. Next time, I am taking notes of my snarky comments so I can add them to your chain because I forget them all as soon as I read yours. But yes to all. "Best part of the date? Sending my SON the post card. Because I AM A DAD. AN OLD-A** DAD, which means I am MATURE."

    Good thing Ryan confessed his true fame intentions to the guy that never talks to anyone, let along Emily.

    Two on one date--who ARE those guys? Send 'em both home, no one will notice.

  27. arie for the win!
    he's the cutest - by far.

    jef's cool but just not for her. he seems like a character out of a john hughes movie (which is a total compliment.) however - blue knee socks? they didn't provide a really great head-to-toe shot of him but the second i spied them i did find myself with a question mark over my head. i mean, i get having a point-of-view and stuff but knee socks baffle me. especially on a man.

    ryan is disgusting. on sooo many levels. he's just gross. i hope he's gone-zo soon. mostly just because his ego wouldn't be able to even process being sent home!


  28. ah yes, my tuesday guilty pleasure - thank-you!

    but seriously: i have a crush on ponytail guy. i'm pretty downtrodden since he was released AND released in one episode. and now, i shall never set my sights on him again.

    i have a thing for long hair in general, old, dreads, grey, black, ponytail...whatevs, i'll take it. except on my husband, long hair would be HIDEOUS on him.


  29. Oh I am so glad you can't stand I-Have-A-Son-Doug as much as I can't stand IHASD. Put a cork in it dude.
    Also, I liked Chris until this week. If you can't win a verbal argument with IHASD, it's time to go home.
    I know everyone loves Jef, but he is far too hip in my opinion. That hair! And Jef with one f? Come on.
    My vote is for Sean or Arie.

  30. are you ready for my novel?

    doug. you were not scolding the boys, doug. they were making fun of you, and you were getting angry. big difference. also, are you a dad? i didn't know. had no idea. and your biggest flaw is spending too much time with your son? your biggest flaw is exploiting your son to get women. THAT'S your biggest flaw.

    yeah, nate is a is alejandro and pony-tail man. but he was oddly excited about seeing quinoa for someone who doesn't know how to pronounce quinoa.

    okay, and WHAT WAS it with ryan's sudden burst of christianity? where did THAT come from? very unexpected...and if ryan is the next bachelor, then...i quit. officially. canNOT handle that.

    and WHY ON EARTH, bridget, did you fail to mention jef's SOCKS? i just can't get on board with him...he tries so hard to be so hipster just doesn't work for me...also, did you know he's LDS? if he makes it to the hometowns, i wonder how that'll work out.

  31. condescending is the word chris is looking for - doug is condescending.

    kalon is there for the ratings. i'm sure he's voice saying he doesn't have anything to say for himself in next weeks episode.

    ryan is a douche and she knows, but i'd keep him around for the laughs. he's so self assured it's hilarious.

    i love jef. but she won't pick him long term.

    my top three picks this week: arie, chris, and jon (someone has to be the late bloomer here)

  32. I love these recaps, this is actually how I found your page. Doug is so not cool, he is using that Dad card WAY too much!
    I find Arie to be a little needy and to touchy feeling. He is a little too much like a girl for me! Jef is cool and his outfit was a true Bermuda outfit, because it's usually too hot for full pants, men wear tall shorts and shorts (bermuda shorts!!).
    Dave has an issue I can't quite figure out. Ryan is a complete bafoon, he already has plans for being the bachelor. My husband thinks he got to stay for ratings...he's probably right!
    So far Sean is my favourite and THEY would have adorable children! Can't wait for next week!

  33. You know. It might actually be better reading your commentary than actually being able to watch these shinanagins. I laughed outloud multiple times reading this!

  34. i'm commenting again b/c last night before bed i was thinking about the bachelorette (totally normal) when i remembered you writing "nates psyched to go home to his bro" and i giggled. i mean who cares about scoring a super hot sweet babe for a wife when you've got your amazing bro to go home to?

  35. haha im new here and this is awesome...totally coming back for more!!

  36. I used to watch these shows when they first started and phased out over the years (mostly after getting married due to hubby's commentary on the ridiculousness of it all), but I convinced him to watch last night because it was in Bermuda and his fam is from there--so we could see all of the places we visited...

    I should have taped our commentary. SOO FUN.

    Quinoa guy--for reals? don't talk about people being intelligent if you can't pronounce the food that you are so expertly describing. and crying over the mention of friends and family, sorry sweet pea--you need to simmer down with that.

    Ryan--seriously dude? talented, athletic, blessed, a gift to all that walk the earth. soooo self absorbed and to insinuate that although it may not work out with you and emily, you know it was part of your path to be on this show to get all famous and be a gift to women as you open up yourself to find a wife as the new bachelor?! are you kidding me? The "God smiles on a man that follows his dreams" comment and back pat to the quiet-all-alone-at-the-fire-place-guy---come on! You are all kinds of mixed up and you aren't fooling any one.

    doug and chris--confusing much?! what the heck was that argument? "i am mad and i am going to tell you" "what?" "yeah, i am standing up to you!" "for what?" "that's right I am not backing down!!" "backing down from what?" "i don't believe you as a person" "what?!" "yeah, you are too humble" "okay dude..."

    now, to talk my hubby into watching again next week even when it isn't in Bermuda :) if not, I will be tuning into the blog for the update fo sho!

    My first impression vote--Arie, she luuhs him.

    (also--Bermuda shorts and tall socks are totally acceptable where they were, not just a bizarro hipster fashion choice).

  37. oh my goodness. i had to rewind the kwin-o-a comment four times. my husband was convinced he was trying to be funny until i finally explained to him. nope. that guy was dead serious.

    and really ryan crazy hair? he kinda scares me now... like i could see him having a creepy dark side.

    LOVE your commentary!

  38. @angela, i totally laughed out loud at your rundown of the doug/chris fight.

    what was up with that?! chris, if you're going to fight with someone, at least figure out what you're fighting about.

    i love all your comments on this stuff, guys. glad i'm not the only one!!

  39. The fake pony tail extension was an epic fail on Emily's part. So obviously fake. Maybe thats how they rollin down south... Who knew?

  40. This is my have: "you're going to dollywood, he's going to coachella." BAH! Too true! Arie and her are the best match. Doug is controlling and has anger issues and Ryan (who I liked on the first day) just regurgitates everything his coaches have ever told him. LOSER.

  41. bridget!! lmfao - you are hilaaarrious. took all your little words out of my mouth! esp. the doug rants about his son. blah!

    + "if emily wants a kiss from doug..." talking in third person is a deal-breaker. --> so true. who does that these days?!

    thanks for the entertainment!

  42. These recaps are far more entertaining than the show. They make me laugh out loud.
    And Ryan, he is quite the character.

  43. hahah YES. chris also looks like the lizard dude from monsters inc.

    this one -


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