bachelorette, part 4.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
alright. i missed the first 12 minutes (errggg!). i blame this one on parker!
so, here goes. she's already into her date with doug. anddddd i begin.
+ i started a charity. (what he failed to mention is that he started the charity the day before he came on the bachelorette just waiting to drop that little nugget in emily's sweet little blonde head.)
+ how many times can doug say the word 'dad' in five minutes?
+ scolding the boys? he's so patronizing. scolding. boys. you're not a dad here, dougie!
group date card comes out.
+ who is nate in the red shirt? i think they JUST brought him on like two minutes ago. never seen him before.
back to doug.
+ "as much as i love all of today... i love MY SON THE MOST."
+ "my only imperfection. i didn't trim my toenails enough. i didn't wash her car enough. i cut my son's crust off too perfectly. i read him too many stories." PLEASE DOUG. CHEESEBALL. GOODBYE.
+ i'm winning this rose is for me and my son! my son! i have a son!
+ "if emily wants a kiss from doug..." talking in third person is a deal-breaker.
+ ryan's hair is out of control. what'll it look like after sailing? you krazy kat, ryan!
+ i hope the boom whacks kalon right out of the boat. while a shark is swimming by.
+ sean played football. so he can BRING IT to the boat like he BROUGHT IT to the field.
+ go team yellow (it's got jef and arie... my faves.)
+ uh-oh. guys are cussing. team red's in trouble. don't they know the tortoise and the hare story? (if doug was their dad, they'd probably know it. i bet doug reads to his boy allllllll the timeeeeeeee.)
+ uh-oh, now team yellow's in trouble. never mind. they win. phew. palms were sweaty.
+ is head-wound charlie crying in the back seat?
+ i like emily's sweater.
+ ryan tries to pass chauvinism off as cute flattery. it ain't cute, ry-guy-krazy-hair.
+ arie's her fave, i think.
+ JEF. jef is just too cool. i mean, ems... i like you. but come on. it's like the song, "i'm a little bit country. i'm a little bit rock and roll." i don't see it working. you're going to dollywood, he's going to coachella. you pickin' up what i'm puttin' down?
+ jef: "like, i like like you. like, i'm like nervous, but i like..."
+ ryan has concerns? like emily's workout routine isn't vigorous enough? "i not trying to impress you, i'm trying to make an impression on you." he got that on motivationforcoaches.com, i think.
+ is ryan a tv evangelist now? this guy! so many hats!
+ really. who is nate? where did he come from?
+ is this "kwin-oh-ah?" NUH-UH. THIS IS TOO GOOD. (it's keen-wah new-to-the-show-nate!)
+ "what do you want me to know about you?" "i like fiber." -nate
+ crying over his brother and friends? sweet, yes. a tad overemotional? YES. it was the wine.
+ nate's eyes are boring holes into her skull as she pins the rose on jon.
+ nate's psyched to get back to his bro.
+ i can correct lil ricky's homework in mah prom dress, check me out!
+ fake ponytail?
+ (it's a prom ROMPER, bridget.) didn't know till i saw the full-bod shot. my bad!
+ ryan is charming, athletic, blessed by god, AND sticks his finger in the socket to achieve that rockin' hair style. ok, i'll move on from the hair.
+ pony-tail guy. why haven't we seen more from him?
+ ABC, did you hear that? ryan just signed himself up as next bachelor! and we'd all be so lucky!
+ doug-the-dad, stop tallllkkkking pleeeease.
+ doug and chris. hackles are up! doug is playing mind games! chris is goin' crazy! this is ugly! chris doesn't know what this fight he started is even about. "i'm not young! you're too humble! I DON'T BELIEVE YOU." and doug: "believe what?"
+ "you don't get my competitive juices flowing, chris! you're like a fly! i crush your skull." (roll your r's!)
+ biggest disappointment of this episode: helicopter guy is like a no show. come on ABC.
chris and emily's chat before the ceremony.
+ YOU TWO SHOULD JUST GET MARRIED (did ya'll hear? chris got a divorce.).
+ she picks up helicopter's picture first? he's like a non-entity.
rose ceremony. DUH DUH DUH (that was dramatic music).
+ chris looks like the tall skinny animal in the ice age movies. i don't even know what animal it is.
+ ryan gets a rose? blah. that's how i feel about that.
+ KALON GETS A ROSE? bright side: maybe he'll talk smack again next week for our entertainment. but really??
+ i kind of feel bad for long-haired ponytail guy. he seems nice.
+ "i think you're going to retract that statement." -ryan
+ and f-bomb!
so? thoughts? give em to me straight!
(and if you do your own bachelorette recap, link to it in the comments! i wanna see!)