bachelorette, part 3.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

last week's bachelorette recap was a bit jumbled.  hard to follow.  this week is more organized.  you're welcome.
a date with chris.
+ all this, "there's no one i'd rather be here with" talk.  come on.  you've spent all of 3.8 minutes together in your life.
+ he's 25.  awkward.  (he looks a lot older, no?)  

tony's phone call.
+ you're not meeting your future wife.  you can go home to your kid.  now.

back to date with chris.
+ she's into him.
+ he wants a family.  he's a 25 year old guy.  this is funny.
+ (he is cute.)
+ "keep the tongue in while you're spinning her." -steve
+ kissing her is the greatest thing he's ever experienced?  EVER, chris?  i'm sorry.
+ here come the charlotte crowds.  the l.a. crowds are better dressed.

group date.
+ i like the green/white striped blousey shirt.  i do not like mc-stevie.
+ crazy hair ryan is getting chummy with her all "we already had a date and i'm heads above you guys."  obnoxious.
+ no offense to emily's friends, but they don't look like they're... how should i say this... young fashionista whipper-snappers like herself.
+ "taking my son to school.  taking my son to activities."  tony.  barf.
+ i want one of the guys to say, "HELLS NO" when asked if they are ready to be a dad by one of the friends.
+ john "wolf" is cute.  his name, less so.
+ jersey steve is not gonna be able to break dance his way through every rose ceremony.  and hopefully he's already seen his last.
+ i think emily's blonde friend would like to have a swingers-relationship if emily and sean end up together.
+ more kids?  i'm not watching supernanny.  i'm watching the bachelorette.  WHERE ARE THE HELICOPTERS?
+ sean.  doug.  sean and doug.  friends' picks.  WHAT ABOUT JEF?  (and i-have-a-kid-too-doug is stupid.)
+ sean needs a clean & clear oil-absorbing sheet on his face.

+ "you can drive a stick shift?"  really, helicopter man?

+ emily should send tony home.  she knows she's not gonna pick him and he misses his kid.
+ i think tony's gonna be home before 9 weeks.  with all due respect.
+ emily's hoping tony leaves voluntarily so she doesn't have to do it.... annnnd, he's out.

date with arie.
+ why are all the girls on the bachelor/bachelorette always such wusses?  scared of heights, scared of rollercoasters... 
+ win something for ricky.  that was cute.
+ i like emily's boots.  and her hair.  a little more cas (as in casual) than her ush (as in usual) curls.  
+ to state the obvious... dolly parton's boobs are ENORMOUS.
+ i am impressed that arie was doing the dad-thing with his ex.  and he seems like he's not whoring it out there (#doug).
+ she welcomes the busy schedule... likes her own space... she said that a bit too eagerly.
+ i hate the cliffhanger 'but' -- messing with him.  why?!?  
+ i am glad he is getting a rose.
+ arie's a keeper.

rose ceremony.
+ her and kaelen!  let her say something!  this is so awkward.
+ um, holy shit.  "i love it when you talk but i wish you'd let me finish."  goodbye.  deal breaker.
+ THAT WAS GOING TO BE A BABY OSTRICH. #animalmistreatment
+ brazilian man has goofy hair.  and he should be biting her language-barrier-bait.  "YES.  I MEAN WHAT YOU MEAN.  LANGUAGE BARRIER, YES.  COMPROMISE, HONOR, SYNONYMS."  but... he's not.
+ was she wearing black boots under that prom dress?
+ arie gets to be the knight in shining armor.  he's all, "right place at the right time, aww yeah!" 
+ sean.  saying alllllllll the right things.  "ricky would be mine." BOOM.  "doesn't have to call me sean."  BOOM.
+ doug's eyes look on disapprovingly as jef gets a rose.  "i don't know, ems.  would he make a good dad?  i would.  I AM ONE."
+ kalon/kaelen seems like a character from a movie.  the villain.  a little like scarecrow in dark knight, am i right?!?
+ kaelen got a rose?  you have GOT to be kidding me.
+ sorry mc-stevie.  your time has come.  break dance to the car?
+ sorry, ryan.  arie is not dainty.  he may be many things but dainty?  

+ "i am a gypsy.  i can't even have a pet." i think it's best that brazilian man is gone.

alright.  thoughts?!  fave guy so far?  my picks: hipster jef (though, i do think they're so different.  i mean, she likes dolly parton, he rides skateboards.  come on.), wannabe-dad sean, race car driver arie.


  1. sean needs a clean & clear oil-absorbing sheet on his face. BAHAHAHAH

    also, our top three are the same. we should be hired by ABC.

    also, have you read any spoilers?

  2. first site i went to this morning - tales of me and the husband. duh.

    i love these recaps.

    i am in favor of arie now. and I threw a sock at the TV when she gave Kaleen a rose. and the brazilian man - holllllly cow. confused on why he ever went on the bachelor to marry a woman with a kid if he's such a gypsy no pet brazilian from minnesota.

  3. I am not so turned off by the fact that he is 25...I think it is very rare but completely possible for a dude to be really mature and ready for a family at 25 and you know it is always hard to tell with Bachelorette peeps, but it seems like he may be pretty darn mature for his age.

    So for me it is race care driver and young guy. Top 2.

    And yes Kayfart is a VILLAIN! SCARECROW FOR SUUUURE. But like poor man's Jude Law scarecrow. He could really be an inspiration for a bad guy in like a Bond movie.

    I couldn't even believe werewolf Brazilian. She called it a bizarre conversation and that is was. And he is grossssss to look at too so easy answer is a limo ride home.

    I don't think her and Jef are meant to be at all. But I think he'll find a nice girl after this. Someone all hipster and weird like him.

  4. hahahahahaha. yes! I agree with your finals. best line "I like it when you talk but I with you'd let me finish." shut up. who are you? he drives me crazy-freaks me out.

  5. Loved this. Again.
    I like Arie best. Closely followed by Jef.
    Kalon/Kaelen/Kaylon (?) reminds me of Jude Law in the Talented Mr. Ripley with those glasses. CREEEPY!

    And yes, Isabella and I noticed she had boots on under that prom dress. Big score for her from my soon-to-be 14 yo.

  6. Love your recaps...they usually have my laughing out loud every Tuesday morning since I agree with pretty much everything you say!
    Top favs, Arie and Sean for sure. Arie was so sweet last night and seems like a real genuine guy and Sean is sweet and Hot!
    Kalen or whatever his damn name is...I Can.Not.Believe she gave him a rose, he should have been walked to his limo after that convo.
    Brazillian man...really??? he's about as dumb as they come.
    The black boots under her dress...not sure what was up with that but I noticed it too.
    "sean needs a clean & clear oil-absorbing sheet on his face"....I die!

  7. Wait. I thought she was looking for possible good dads. Why keep don't-get-fat guy and stop talking guy!?!

    Also, I agree with the casual outfit was a relief from the curls, but slightly confusing. Long sleeve shirt. Short shots. Tall boots. What was the weather?

    I vote Sean or Arie!

  8. I absolutely agree with you about Kalon. She's crazy for keeping him. I thought the exact same thing about him seeming like a villian. He just seems creepy haha

    And what the world was the deal with the guy who dated his cousin? Thank goodness he is gone!

    I love Sean and Arie. I hope they are the final.

  9. Sean is definitely my top pick!! And Ryan used to be right up there but his cockiness is gonna bug me real quick I think!! Arie is a sweetheart...definitely lots of potential there!! Love your recaps!! Wish we could watch the show together!! =)

  10. I had to watch this first thing today, and then came straight to your blog when it was done!

    I'm calling it for Arie. I think he's going to win least that's who I would pick if I were her! He seems the most genuine to me and like he would really fit into her life. Jef is a little too hipster and there's something too good about there's something he's hiding.

    Also loved the line from helicopter guy "I'm not used to sharing"...what grade are you in??

  11. Girl I love that you are doing this! I LOVE her with arie! They have this crazy connection. I see him sticking around. Next favs are Sean and I think Doug is oh so sweet :) EEK!

  12. You are so right on every thought I had! haha

  13. YES to the friend who wants to be in a swingers relationship. she was getting a little too friendly with sean. he husband must've been pissed when he watched.

    and those are my favs too! arie especially. and i agree that he was totally right place at the right time with both the dolly parton thing and the rough brazilian dude convo. he was getting to catch all her emotion.

  14. i laughed out loud many times during this post. "sean needs a clean & clear oil-absorbing sheet on his face." being one of them

    team arie, team arie, team arie!

  15. 25? Way to young to be on a dating show. Not desperate enough!

  16. Kalon is a freak! I agree he looks like a villain! Poor Shelly (the ostrich egg). I like Sean. I like Arie! I do not like douche bag Ryan. Doug's story about his parents was so sad.

  17. arie. and i'm with steve, what's with the tongue chris? i mean, you're still on television

  18. my top picks - chris, arie, and sean.

    i'd totally date jef, but i still don't think he's the one for her.

    i like chris even though he's young(er). but i married a younger guy so i'm biased? the vast majority of 25 year old guys aren't ready to be a husband and dad, but some are. i'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

    kalon is just around for the ratings. she can't possibly see anything in him. he's so cold and calculated, he doesn't have a spontaneous bone in his body. i seriously LOLed when he asked arie if he could drive stick. please. it's not a rare skill. and i hate that i have the same name as him, even if it is spelled differently, ha.

    the three that went home were good choices. none were even questionable contenders. they never would have made it to the top given more time.

  19. I Like Arie alot!
    I think the producers are making her keep Kalon or else he woulda got the boot!
    SO glad Mc-stevie was out he was not for her also glad whiny Tony is out! I get it you miss your son but you know what you signed up for, make the best of it.
    I also like Jef I think he has low self esteem because Emily likes him but he just doesn't seem to notice.
    And Dolly WOW them some tig 'ol biddies.
    Ok did the brazillian guy say he dated his 4th cousin and that he is a gypsy?!?!
    Ryan he seems like such a knuckle dragger from they gym he is in it for himself.
    Im liking Arie, Jef, and that guy that fell off the balcony.....Love this show!
    PS was not digging that gold dress from the rose ceremony it looked to old and did nothing for her twins except make them look baggy and saggy, Ready for episode 4 please =)

  20. jude law!! good call people! a fug version of jude in talented mr. ripley, yesssssss.

  21. I love the way she says "Charlie" I think he's sweet.

  22. Oooh a fellow recapper! I love it. Found you through Zucchero Zucchero. I did fail to mention in my recap how un-hip her friends seem -- you are so right. Adding you to my reader!

  23. when i told my husband about the line "i love it when you talk but i wish you would let me finish"...he didn't seem so perturbed. and didn't say anything (or gasp in shock!!)

    and then 5 mins later he was like "ya, i hear it now...she really doesn't shut up!"

    i was like 1. this is HER show
    and 2. that was NOT the point i was making

  24. I thought the same thing about her wearing boots underneath that gold dress! what was that?! and i am voting for doug (#1), Arie and Sean!

  25. can i please come over to your house on monday nights and watch this with you? Your comments are kinda like the best thing ever.

    I'm kinda loving knight in shining armor Arie right now plus Arie & Emily - I can already see the wedding announcements :) But lets be real Sean is great too. I'm only afraid he's like too good to be true, yes?
    And I like hipster jef but I feel like he's more of the best (gay) friend. I know he's not gay but thats just kinda the way their relationship is making me feel. i don't know. He's fun and super nice and i like the hipster I just have a hard time seeing it happen. He gets a one on one next week right? We shall see :)
    And yeah doug definitely needs to cool it with the "I'm a dad too!" dealio.

    P.S. How do you get steve to watch it with you? My husband runs for the hills when I turn it on.

  26. dude. i'm totally rooting for arie. i'll even go so far as to call him a serious front-runner.

    ryan's embarrassing. he thinks he's got it in the bag and it's mortifying to watch him in action.

    oh this show. it's so hard to watch - but even harder not to watch!

  27. @sarah, come on over! and i can't say steve needs a lot of convincing to watch bach... he's into it! don't ask me why!

    @sara, yep. arie totally stood out this time. ryan is so overconfident that i'm excited for him to go home.

  28. oh my goodness i love your commentary....

    ok so arie - such a cutie. pulling for me.

    ryan - cute. looks like he has a tuopee at times and getting a bit cocky.

    25 year old - precious.

    thank u bridget for your witty and honest thoughts!


  29. your top three & my top three? samesies.

  30. I LOVE your recaps. So funny and right on.

    I read your post this morning and just now was reading through Reality Steve's recaps and spoilers about the show (not nearly as good as yours and much, much meaner). Anyway, I don't know if anyone else above mentioned this but Emily's black boots with her evening gown, but apparently she explained it in her blog. Here's what she wrote:

    “…The rose ceremony was crazy, to say the least! Alessandro’s comments definitely threw me for a loop, but that wasn’t even the craziest thing he said. What you all didn’t get to see is that he thinks of himself as a “Vampire Detector” and let me know that not only was there a vampire in the house, but he also had me join him in the woods, which explains my combat boots as I was walking him out.

    When he took me out to his special place in the woods, I saw that he had hung crosses from every limb on every tree and in that moment I knew we were living on completely different planets. I do appreciate Alessandro’s honesty, but maybe he should try to keep a house plant alive before we test his skills out on my daughter!”

    Sheesh. They really know how to pick 'em for this show!

    P.S. I really like Jef and have from episode 1 but I've haven't seen much of a connection yet...I thought Sean seemed cool in this episode. Want to see more of Jef annnnd Sean now...

  31. @shannon, THAT MAN IS CRAZY. and... explains the boots. thanks!

  32. Did you watch the very end when Brazillian man said he had been in a long term relationship...with his cousin! Later clarified to be his third cousin...still way too weird.

    Mark predicts he will become a stalker.

  33. I love your recaps! So hilarious! I was hoping you'd mention something about the earring guy ... Alejandro. Who IS this person. I totally forget about him till the rose ceremony... then I see him and I'm like who the hell is that?! but she keeps picking him...

    - ok, Just looked him up he's a mushroom farmer. HA

  34. Oh and is it just me or does helicopter mans lips seem too glossy- like he's wearing lip gloss or something?! What a strange man he is!

  35. OK. I am caught up. Sean & Arie for sure...I have nothing against Jef - but I'm not gonna lie...he doesn't totally seem her type in the long run. I hope he stays around though.

  36. Just watched my DVR last night and I believe that Dolly was wearing sweatpants.... really?!

    I keep changing who I like every week... Sean this week ;)

  37. Arie and Jef are definitely my favs! I can't believe she kept kaelen..ugh. And, yes, I noticed the black boots, too! Perhaps her feet hurt and she changed in to something more comfortable?? Not so sure about that one..

  38. Arie is my fave, though I do like Doug, but I do think he should sport a shirt that says, "I'm a DAD!" and just be done with it. I can see him being the next Bachelor.

    I think Emily was dah-runk the night of the rose ceremony. She looked a little glazed, and then standing in the hallway kissing on Arie with all the other guys around, seemed a little random. I bet she was dying to send Kalon home, but since she had already sent two packing they needed to keep more around. I have a feeling she knows the first night the top 5 she's into, and then the producers have her keep around the most dramatic to keep it interesting.

    I'm shocked MC Stevie didn't dance his way out the door, I was really disappointed - I expected more. :)

  39. @chelsey, YES. too glossy.

    @vanessa, that shirt is in order. so funny. and i sincerely hope he is NOT the next bachelor.

  40. jef has been my favorite! i like sean now too though!

  41. bridget! i'm back! yesterday when i commented, i had only seen bits and pieces of the episode. i watched it last night from start to finish and i have so many thoughts! to tell you!

    chris date:
    why was the 25 thing such a big deal?! she's 26! a red flag? i could see maybe if she were 30....i know a ton of oklahoma guys who want to get married and have kids by the time they're in their mid 20s...(southern thing? maybe? since everyone in OK gets married the day after they graduate college?)

    tony: yes. go home. you look like michael scott. sorry, not gonna work out here, buddy.

    ryan: so obnoxious and posessive and his facial hair has GOT to go. he looks like seneca crane of the hunger games with that awful shave. and yeah...i didn't get the "dainty" comment either.

    emily's friends: yeah, are those REALLY emily's friends? they don't....exactly... match.

    john wolf: why is his name john wolf.

    doug: we know you have a kid. we know.

    kalon: OBVIOUSLY, arie can drive a stick shift. HE'S A RACE CAR DRIVER. and, i don't know, a man?

    emily: WHO has never ridden a roller coaster? and i don't get the combat boots with the prom dress all.

    to reiterate my last comment, i'm totally team arie. sigh.

  42. Love Arie, he is so perfect. Just hope he's as great in real life as he is on TV. He is no schmuck, he's from a famous racing family. So he's hot, sweet, and $$$, a fact that is not lost on Emily, I'm sure. I love Sean, he seems like the real deal, albeit shiny face 5000. Kalon is such a douche, why do you have to shame my hometown of Houston? Love the recaps!!!!

  43. im arie or sean for the win

    and i totes think you can be ready for kids and a family at 25...S is 25 and LIGHTYEARS ahead of my ex who is now 30. i think it totally depends on the person.

    and i think the producers are making her keep kalen around for entertainment purposes...him and his glossy lips make me sick.

  44. This is awesome! You've captured all the good/important parts. I can't believe she didn't send Kalon home after that HORRIBLE comment! My vote is Sean...however if he doesn't win, I'd be happy to take him off her hands ;)

  45. Okay so I know I am jumping on this post way late, but I've gotta say Bridget, this is the first season I've watched the Bachelor or Bachelorette and it's totally because of you! Your recap's are just too funny to pass up - I love it!

    Also, I know you already got clued in on the vampire detector thing, but the video link is below if you wanna check it out for yourself - this man is INSANE.

    And I speak Spanish and the word "compromiso" means COMMITTED not compromise, and though Portuguese isn't Spanish I'm thinking that was the missing link there...a simple false cognate got Alessandro's butt kicked off - though apparently Emily didn't need much more convincing after he took her to his lair in the woods. "This is how girls like me go missing!"

  46. Okay I am dying. I agree with just about every comment here. I never watch this show but made the exception for Emily. Its proving worth it. These guys are hilariously full of themselves, but there are a few that I know will be winners...and maybe good enough for miss E. :D
    Can't wait for the next commentary;)

  47. I was behind on the show, but i just went back to catch up. right place right time? arg, i've heard bad things about Arie. i don't want to ruin it, but google if you want!



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